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Author Topic: Winds of Change.................  (Read 7723 times)

melissah

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Re: Winds of Change.................
« Reply #135 on: September 16, 2016, 07:13:39 pm »

Well, I'm back after a nice 3 day Labor day weekend...worked two days then left Thursday for the beach. No Hannah as she worked and David had no horse so stayed back at camp alone. It was just Jex and I. It was nice. I needed that. Lots of things happening in life right now so I got some major stress and depression going on.

David doesn't want to ride unless he finds an employee so we're working on that. Keeps trying to talk us into selling the horses and getting into Quads, and such. Just not the same at all. Plus he can't ride until he is 100% healed and I know he don't want to sell Storm. But he was overheard at the last meeting on Tuesday telling a horse husband he wanted to try to talk us into selling our horses and moving back to the city. The mans answer was, "good luck with that!". With an extra employee comes more stress for me. I do everything an accountant would do as well as run the entire business from taxes, accounting, handling problems with customers, orders, phones, scheduling, billing, entering into the system for billing and so much more. I'm lucky to get 5 minutes to eat at all. It can be stressful, now add all that extra stuff that now needs to be done and stress X 100....payroll taxes, workers comp, bringing in the income to pay an employee and all the stuff that goes with that. And not to screw up a very great established reputation. Only have one work truck and he doesn't want to give his up so he (new employee) would use our Dodge Laramie to run calls and such. Gas guzzler and my trailer truck. It's not a cheap truck and it's top of the line. And a huge dually. It's like he's doing everything to allow us not to trail out. When I bring up an ETI ride he doesn't think it's fair for us to go without him. What about camping. The cost of Diesel. Now if the employee works out then a would think he would spend money to buy a used work truck. I'd have my truck back.

I have never been so depressed in my life. Hannah to. At least she could keep her horse because she pays for it. But then I get a check and pay for Jex. He rode a lot the first two years but like every hobby he gets into he loses interest. Jex gotta go...Bella his Chi goes to. Men don't understand our relationship with horses. I have no will to even go on but I don't say anything. No horse, no life. Horse goes watch my world fall apart. It will. It already is. Is the fatigue from RA or is it depression. I'm not a depressed person, never have been but this has floored me beyond anything I have ever experienced. I feel guilty to even ask if I can go on a ride with my friends. Tomorrow Hannah is taking Reggie on a parade, her first and oh what an inconvenience it was for him. I didn't even bother asking about taking Jex. I didn't even consider being in the parade due to his sudden horse distaste.

I'm having some medical issues so I'm dealing with that also. Having a stomach ultrasound, colonoscopy, endoscopy, testing my pancreas and found cyst on both my ovaries. I am menopausal now. The lab told me I had a test still not taken...I ask what and they said a CA test. I asked what that was? The girl looked at me with this look and said, "Cancer".  :o I am dropping weight like crazy for no reason. Every Friday my house cleaner comes and says I look skinnier. I get upper abdomen pain that runs to my back. My RA is controlled. I get the occasional back ground pain but I do well at least physically, it's the mental part that is suffering badly. Sometimes I feel like giving up. it's been a good life.

Now that I've been a downer I will share stuff from this weekend in a while. When I'm in the saddle I feel alive. When I'm with my friends I feel like me. No horse, hope he's ready to pay therapist bills. I just can't shake all this doom. I've got no one to share all this with. I feel alone. I am alone. I work my arse off all week.....if it's for nothing.....I'm done.
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melissah

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Re: Winds of Change.................
« Reply #136 on: September 19, 2016, 12:09:16 am »

TODAY finally was a day I felt truly blessed. I've always questioned luck or is it God, Goddess,  the Universe, some spark of life that exceeds any explanation by man. I'm a "one river leads to the same ocean" kind of gal. Too many "one way or the highway"religious dogma floating about. I'm living proof good things happen to people who are stuck in stormy seas. Like one of my favorite songs, 'Through it all.' I have been through it all.

"I thank God for the mountains,
and I thank Him for the valleys,
I thank Him for the storms He brought me through.
For if I’d never had a problem,
I wouldn’t know God could solve them,
I’d never know what faith in God could do."

I have faith. In what/who? We all have different names for him /her. But because I have watched my life unfold for many years in front of me with miraculous things, I don't doubt in a higher power. I have been taken care of, watched closely like a mother watches her baby and given special gifts and omens that have brought me through some of the darkest hours.I have lived this. I am not crazy either. Just a believer in a higher power. God is just a easier word to understand than any other word.

My last journal entry was rather dark. I was at one of the lowest points of my life ever. I slowly felt the world falling apart under me and it was just not worth trying anymore. David was set on giving up his horse, I would lose years of friends I had invested time in and come to love, and many new ones to. It would be huge blow to who I was and who I am. Without that, I was no one. I basically felt as bad as it sounds, life just was not worth going on. I knew that as I rode Jex at Montana De Oro a week ago. Being in that saddle in those mountains solidified that for me. if I could never do that again on my horse, what was the point? What did my life have in it that even equaled that feeling? Nothing. Maybe mentally I'm missing something, I don't know. But the thing I did know was this. I could have no horse, sit in my house 24/7, work my ass off in a confined space all day, listening to customers scream, pay bills, fix crappy situations, be totally unappreciated for all the work I done, then spend weekends glued to the stupid TV watching stupid programs wasting my life away while depression got so bad I'd let everything slowly go to hell, work wise,  family wise, friend wise etc. I could let my wild gypsy spirit die. I as ready and willing. Yes, my horse is that important.

Well, things took a turn. I am beyond tired now and keep making typos. I need sleep but I will continue tomorrow. Blessing have come my way. But there's always a trade for them. Maybe I don't have long for this earth. Who knows. Until tomorrow....more of my story.
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melissah

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Re: Winds of Change.................
« Reply #137 on: September 27, 2016, 10:14:26 am »

HORSES CAN CHANGE PERSPECTIVE AND ALL AROUND MOOD....IN A GOOD WAY!

I was having a pretty okay morning. Felt good, better than usual, then life decides to tweak it with an argument. Nothing worse than someone telling you who you are, what you think like or how you're suppose to feel. People don't get they can't live in your brain and understand what you are trying to get across sometimes. So instead, they say ,"oh you're like this or that." or "you think this way all the time" etc. I am who I am. I argue when i fight for who I am. Don't tell me I do things a certain way when you're not here to see how I do things. Some people are different when alone and dealing with day to day things, people, work, how you talk and come across to others and if no one is here to see that then you have no right to say I do this or that. We're all a little different when alone and in our own element. So I was mad and decided to go out a good 45 minutes earlier than normal to feed and muck.

It's beautiful outside today. Morning are cooler and breezier. I didn't feel rushed as I always am because I typically go out to do all this at 7:45 am or even 8 am and have to been in and showered by 8:30 to turn the business phones on. I cleaned the stalls as usual, gave each horse a good eye goober scratch before putting on fly masks. I went inside the goat pen and pulled out the feeder which was way to big to be in there as they are full size Pygmy goats, if that what you call full size. lol I raked up all the pen and threw away old uneaten stuff. Then picked up some poop in the turn out to throw over the discarded hay because even pee'd on hay will get eaten if the horses flip the dumpster open.

Came back in, took a shower and even put make-up on. That felt good. Today feels "right" and I feel alive. Weird turn around but I know it was from just being outside with my horses. They are my Zen. Lately I've needed a lot of Zen.

We just hired a new employee. I am excited but scared. I guess I still suffer PTSD from the last time we had an employee. During that horrible housing crash. And because he was David's best friend I felt I could not let him go and was afraid to tell David (pre-Medication David) and we lost everything. That won't happen again. I'm not afraid of David anymore. I'm also not afraid to work them once I know the new guy is capable. Hope he can pull a profit. Just bought a brand new Dodge ProMaster City for David and the new guy got his Nissan NV200. Workers comp is expensive in itself as well. I still have an ad running just in case.

I want to ride more. This weekend is another Hogs and Horses Oktoberfest and the proceeds go to Veterans outreach programs. Good cause. I want to do this ride. It's weird without David. It's like when you're single you can check your own oil, pump your gas etc....and when you get married for some reason husband's tend to do those things. He doesn't do anything for me as far as riding except be there and maybe that's weird. He'll be riding soon I hope.



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melissah

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Re: Winds of Change.................
« Reply #138 on: November 12, 2016, 10:43:32 pm »

 Well, it's been a while since I've come to write in my journal. It was so commonplace at one time and then after David broke his shoulder we stopped riding. I was really going through a lot because he wanted to sell Storm and he didn't, then he did. But as I wrote we did finally hire an employee. It's helped but it's made more work for me and I started to forget to eat and the stress was/is intense which took a toll on my body. After being flare free for a long time I had a flare due to poor eating and major stress. I experienced severe depression and I never had experienced depression like that. Looking back now I realized it was due to several things at once. Stress, I started working almost to 6 every night because of hiring and no breaks in-between which meant I would forget to eat. And no matter how much I tried to catch up you just can't. I never had any horse time except to feed and clean in the morning. Nothing was getting done as far as the kitchen a mess and the proverbial, "What's for dinner." the minute I walked out of the office. Laundry was piling because I was too exhausted to do it (which I was always able to do it during work hours to keep my weekends freed up). I felt like a prisoner in my own house and every weekend was being spent running around town with husband and daughter from morning until evening. I would cry in the shower every morning because I knew how my day was going to be. I couldn't explain it and I have no friends and family or not....they just don't get it and no one offered to help. And if I asked for help I was a nag or lazy etc. I shouldn't have to ask. I felt like I was dying inside. And outside as well. I never realized how much stress affected RA. But for those who don't have it, don't get it. It's a lonely disease and it makes you angry and it makes you resentful. But at the same time I finally reached menopause so I was a double whammy to deal with. The sleeping lioness was starting to wake, or as I call her, the Goddess Warrior. It's my time.  Yeah, I realized I have to pick and choose carefully these days how I'm going to use my energy each day. Ra causes extreme fatigue. During this dark part of my life it manifested itself through depression. I was in a dark place and had no idea how to get out of it. So I started to find the "Zen" in my life. Those little things that made me smile because now I know from experience that old saying is true....."When you cry, you cry alone but when you laugh the world laughs with you."

Our tractor broke and with David's arm out of commission the turnout was a disaster. So one weekend about 4-5 weeks ago I went out and took my 3 buckets (because I can't drive a tractor) and the poop fork and hand cleaned the whole 1/2 acre by myself wearing my headphones, listening to music as the horses mosey'd about me. I had started losing weight and realized I was losing muscle. All part of RA. That was a Sunday and for the first time on Monday I woke up happy. I went out that morning and actually was singing music from the Sound of Music. And from that day on I do it by hand and not only has it given me hope and horse time but strengthened my body as well. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel.....hopefully not a train  :) How much did I do? Here is the turnout after and that dumpster was empty when I started.

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I have been doing many medical tests/procedures my PCP put  in authorizations for and just about all my worries have been put to rest. All labs have been good, did an upper GI and a Colonoscopy as well.  Found a polyp, second one in 5 years so I get to do it all over again in nother 5 years. Also Gastritis most likely due to stress and my taking Ibruprofen more than i should be. So no more of that. I had been having bouts of nausea every morning long before my diagnoses but I was in a lot of stress before my diagnoses due to pain and dealing with that for so long and the negative comments made because of it and the impact they made on me and my daily life. A lot of, "just pull up your bootstraps and deal with it"....not something you tell someone in pain who doesn't have a clue why.

So on with the positive. I have never in my life have looked forward to the weekends as I do now or should I say Friday at 5:00 PM. I no longer take weekends for granted. They actually mean something to me now. I am starting to realize I need "ME" time. Even if it means cleaning the horses after work while there's still light.

So as far as horse time and fun....on October 6 we went camping for the first time in a long time or at least it seemed forever. One friend called one friend, then he called us and enough phone calls were made to fill the whole horse site. This was davids first time back on Storm and like most horse people....we ride before we get an okay. It was so nice to get out and live. Even on Sunday morning I was woken at 6:30 with the sound of childrens laughter. Must have been a huge boy scout event but it was music to my ears. When you work from home and don't get out you really appreciate the sound of the living. Just being among friends is therapuetic. I feel alive. It was a wonderful weekend with nice trails. Here are some pictures from that weekend.

David's first time on Storm Since August 7th.
 Well, it's been a while since I've come to write in my journal. It was so commonplace at one time and then after David broke his shoulder we stopped riding. I was really going through a lot because he wanted to sell Storm and he didn't, then he did. But as I wrote we did finally hire an employee. It's helped but it's made more work for me and I started to forget to eat and the stress was/is intense which took a toll on my body. After being flare free for a long time I had a flare due to poor eating and major stress. I experienced severe depression and I never had experienced depression like that. Looking back now I realized it was due to several things at once. Stress, I started working almost to 6 every night because of hiring and no breaks in-between which meant I would forget to eat. And no matter how much I tried to catch up you just can't. I never had any horse time except to feed and clean in the morning. Nothing was getting done as far as the kitchen a mess and the proverbial, "What's for dinner." the minute I walked out of the office. Laundry was piling because I was too exhausted to do it (which I was always able to do it during work hours to keep my weekends freed up). I felt like a prisoner in my own house and every weekend was being spent running around town with husband and daughter from morning until evening. I would cry in the shower every morning because I knew how my day was going to be. I couldn't explain it and I have no friends and family or not....they just don't get it and no one offered to help. And if I asked for help I was a nag or lazy etc. I shouldn't have to ask. I felt like I was dying inside. And outside as well. I never realized how much stress affected RA. But for those who don't have it, don't get it. It's a lonely disease and it makes you angry and it makes you resentful. But at the same time I finally reached menopause so I was a double whammy to deal with. The sleeping lioness was starting to wake, or as I call her, the Goddess Warrior. It's my time.  Yeah, I realized I have to pick and choose carefully these days how I'm going to use my energy each day. Ra causes extreme fatigue. During this dark part of my life it manifested itself through depression. I was in a dark place and had no idea how to get out of it. So I started to find the "Zen" in my life. Those little things that made me smile because now I know from experience that old saying is true....."When you cry, you cry alone but when you laugh the world laughs with you."


I have been doing many medical tests/procedures my PCP put  in authorizations for and just about all my worries have been put to rest. All labs have been good, did an upper GI and a Colonoscopy as well.  Found a polyp, second one in 5 years so I get to do it all over again in nother 5 years. Also Gastritis most likely due to stress and my taking Ibruprofen more than i should be. So no more of that. I had been having bouts of nausea every morning long before my diagnoses but I was in a lot of stress before my diagnoses due to pain and dealing with that for so long and the negative comments made because of it and the impact they made on me and my daily life. A lot of, "just pull up your bootstraps and deal with it"....not something you tell someone in pain who doesn't have a clue why.

So on with the positive. I have never in my life have looked forward to the weekends as I do now or should I say Friday at 5:00 PM. I no longer take weekends for granted. They actually mean something to me now. I am starting to realize I need "ME" time. Even if it means cleaning the horses after work while there's still light.

So as far as horse time and fun....on October 6 we went camping for the first time in a long time or at least it seemed forever. One friend called one friend, then he called us and enough phone calls were made to fill the whole horse site. This was davids first time back on Storm and like most horse people....we ride before we get an okay. It was so nice to get out and live. Even on Sunday morning I was woken at 6:30 with the sound of childrens laughter. Must have been a huge boy scout event but it was music to my ears. When you work from home and don't get out you really appreciate the sound of the living. Just being among friends is therapuetic. I feel alive. It was a wonderful weekend with nice trails. Here are some pictures from that weekend.

David's first time on Storm since August 7th


Jex and I




Our whole group


Oh and lets not forget a man and his dog......David snoozing with his watch dog he he


And across the street from the park is a feed store we checked out.
Me, our friend in the middle clowning around and Hannah.


Then on October 15 we had our Corral ride where about 35ish horse/riders showed up and our trail boss hosted a Chili lunch after the ride. It was a neighborhood ride so it was nice riding in our old hood. ETI (Equestrian trails Inc)is a horse group/club with many Corrals in Southern California We belong to Corral 86 & 9. Each corral holds a meeting once a month. We plan camping trips and rides for the whole year. Each club has Presidents/vice Presidents/secretary's/treasurers/board members, etc. So we always have rides and camping trips planned a year an advance.Here are some pictures from that fun ride.


and here are I (left) our President and my close friend in the middle and the gal who hosted the ride on the right.


This is also the ride I called upon the help of "The Cinch Whisperer" LOL Our friend Laurie has been riding for many years. Several years ago David had to get off his horse to tighten his cinch. He is always worried he tightens too tight. I always say he needs to be tighter. He thinks he is going to hurt Storm. He tightened it and got back on. Laurie asked if he was sure it was tight and he said yes. She asked if he wanted her to check it.....I yelled YES please. She jumped off and checked and she tightened quite a bit. Since his fall off due to loose cinch I am always nagging him I actually called Laurie over......see what happens.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-t2SzBoaPeU

Then on November 5 I had my ETI Corral 9 ride. I sent out my flyer and I called it "Melissa's get lost in Vasquez ride" This was Jex's second ride we trail bossed. Now the ironic part was I wasn't kidding about getting lost no matter how many times I've been here. My memory only gets worse as I age. LOL I got lost. But that's trail blazing. I had 19 riders. Since I was in front I didn't get many pictures but one.


And of course I had to get a dorky video of me singing about my horse as we rode and led the way! lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xF_QhDWNLFw

But we did take a wrong turn....and the funny thing is everyone has been here a million times.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edNuLODQ7VY

Then on October 29 our corral had a Halloween ride. Same place as above. We got to dress up which I love to do. I won first place. I was stoked. Here is David and Storm. His smile says it all.




And here I am with my BFF in our costumes.



So I think all this horse activity has really made a difference for me. I am really starting to look forward to spending more time with Jex and doing groundwork. The family is still very leery of him but I think he has a distrust of people in general for some reason. He's good with me though. I basically brought him home and threw him into trail riding right away before really building the bond. But he's a smart one. He is starting to soften.

Well, that's it for now. More to come. Tomorrow is our pancake breakfast and a ride after. Yep, more riding is my medicine as well as being among the living.




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Melissa, Southern California.....hitting the trails with Jex my Tennessee Walking Horse...soon.

melissah

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Re: Winds of Change.................
« Reply #139 on: February 25, 2017, 10:29:51 am »

Been a long time. Since November. Maybe after our ride today I can catch up on my latest adventure's, life's ups and downs and all that jazz. The good the bad and the ugly. Lol
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melissah

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Re: Winds of Change.................
« Reply #140 on: March 11, 2017, 02:35:23 pm »

Just a teaser......My husband is at Hope's out on a trail ride on Onyx.
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melissah

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Re: Winds of Change.................
« Reply #141 on: May 19, 2017, 05:34:58 pm »

Well, it's May 19 and Friday! I've been door mouse lately and just have not been on much. Time is not on my side. Hired an employee in September which doubled all my work. So I hired a gal to help me in the office a couple of days a week or more.

Well, beside that so much crazy stuff. Right before New Years eve (when we were packing and getting ready to go camping) our employee gets hit in our work truck, rear ended. Basically, it gets totaled. In 2014 when we bought it new we also bought gap insurance. They knew it was a commercial vehicle. Well, come to find out GAP does not cover commercial although companies vary. The Nissan dealer knew what it was being used for. We fought it but after our insurance paid a little of it and Nissan paid partial back we have 7-8 months of payments on a truck we no longer own. UGH. So David had to run out and buy a new/used work truck.

In the meantime David had bought himself a new work truck. A Dodge Promaster. From the day he got it, nothing but transmission problems. It would not shift, run right and one day we were both out in our separate vehicles and he broke down and I was in my Dodge 3500 dually so I stayed behind him with flashers as we exited the freeway. The dealer in our area and in the area he works both could not work on it because only one dealer further out had the equipment for the new trucks. It was dangerous. After multiple times of having it towed 50 miles to the dealer and the run around, even after all this a a new transmission when they say it didn't need one the truck was touch and go. So he contacted a lemon law lawyer. They took his case but since the truck was so new...6 months...and the lawyer fees. Well, we barely got anything back. The Dodge is sitting in the driveway waiting to be taken.

So we had to find another vehicle. He researched and researched. We went to the place we bought the other van for the employee and he got a 2016 with 13,000 miles. This time he got the medium Ford Transit. A van he could stand up in and room for all his refrigeration equipment. It's a Diesel to. So we are stuck with 3 truck payments until the Dodge is gone and the Nissan is paid off. This has been a lot of stress on my husband.

And them there was Storm. He doesn't understand it takes time to sell a horse. But after finally a month and a half a woman/girl bought him. She has a horse but it's old now and retired. She never rode a gaited horse and LOVED Storm. We had to board him while tuning him up and Dozer was too good to let go. She said people would come see him and were actually intimidated by his size. But he rode him and he seemed the opposite of his previous horse. He needed this horse and where there's a will there's a way. So knowing we'd get something we did all that credit card/no interest rate transfer stuff. Bought Dozer. That stressed him out due to the credit cards. But after selling him we paid most of the cards off. Too many times he was feeling guilty and wanted to pick him up. I think he couldn't love or bond with Dozer until he had closure.

THEN....when it rains it pours. David started to have breathing problems. Just walking from our bedroom to the kitchen made him breathless. Hannah and I noticed when he sent us a recent video he made live on YouTube. He sounded like he had ran a marathon but was riding his horse. I had scheduled a doctor appointment already for him. Well, they did so many test. They did a CT with contrast of his lungs, x-rays and ordered him a huge oxygen machine to sleep with all night. Next Tuesday he has a pulmonary test and picks up an overnight thing that will test his levels. Right now he has low oxygen. He was a smoker in the past but quit in 2005. Everything else came back normal. We keep thinking it'd his weight. And if your oxygen is low it's really hard to lose weight. All I worry about is how much I love this man and don't want anything to happen to him. I've got very strict in his eating at least at home. I know he hurts every morning from what he calls "crushing himself" and is up early on weekends.

My RA is under control. Changed doctors but still the first two hours out of bed are hell. I like my new doctor. He is tapering me off Prednisone so I am down to 1 mg a day for the rest of the 30 days then off. I take vicodin and he says that's much better for RA pain. Nothing else worked.

My Dad also has lung Cancer and a couple of weeks ago Hannah and I flew on the fly to Texas where we met my brother and the next day drove to Louisiana. I didn't want to be the last time at the funeral. It was a very emotional time but being with both my brothers and family made me feel like I was home again. I also seen my Mother in Texas who is suffering severe dementia. I seen cousins I hadn't seen in years. Now I want to go up again. Made me realize no matter how bad they were to you or what they did in life...they are still your parents. I blamed my Dad for a lot but mostly not being there because I was 10 when he left. But not until now did it hit me how much I loved him. I am still his little girl. My Mom, she is another story. As sad as it sounds I really did not feel a lot and she raised me. She is a mean, nasty lady. That's another story. Hopefully I make it up to see my Father one more time.

Now that all the crazy work related stuff is petering out, life is getting back to normal we will start riding more. We been riding but not as much due to all the crazy running around. But we been getting time during the week after work. So, thought I'd share some pictures.

The day he brought Dozer home.





Saddle fitting


First group ride


Hannah and I






Camping trip to a place called Kennedy Meadows



















Then David, Hannah, me and a friend went to Pioneer Town and blazed some trails. Got up a mountain and had to finagle a way back down.....this is the mountain...don't look so bad....but...wow.





My friend and I having fun at the place


and last but not least..Hannah, me and my Dad. :(

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melissah

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Re: Winds of Change.................
« Reply #142 on: October 20, 2017, 10:31:38 pm »

Wow, May 19th was my last entry. I use to be so active here but with work and family, I have no time to get on the computer anymore but for a blurb in the morning, literally, maybe 3-5 minutes and rarely after work because then my job doesn't stop there...dinner, chores etc. Non-stop. Weekends i try to make the most of. Riding, nesting (as I call decorating the house) after almost 3 years here.

Lately, I've been on a "search for myself" I guess you can say.  My SIL turned me on to the book The Four Agreements. Been feeling like a lost soul but really no one to talk to. I'm not into therapy so the books help. My best friend who passed away 2 years ago was THAT one person who I felt like myself with. The real me. If you ever watched Grey's Anatomy then you know "she was my person" It must be an after 50 thing. At least that's what I hear from many women my age. Nothing wrong with finding me. I'm in here still somewhere.

Now, as far as what's been going on in my hood, family life, horse life. As I've mentioned before David sold Storm. I have an eye for good ones and was lucky to find him Dozer. He came from Hopes place. He's been working out wonderful. We still belong to our ETI group so we're still riding, camping and tomorrow Hannah and I decided to head out from home. Sometimes the weekends are hard to do horse things on the spur of the moment. I wanted to ride last week but I started doing my weekly 75 gallon Mbuna tank water change and cleaning. That alone takes about 3 plus hours. Weekends are tough because mornings are tough. I sleep in because my body needs it. I feel the slow progression of my RA but it's very slow. I feel it now that it's getting colder. Plus not only riding on weekends but I just want to get out of this house because I'm stuck in it all week.

Jex and I have come a long way. I'm finally able to put a fly mask on from the front. I still use a mule bridle but I don't have to unlatch it anymore. I tell him head down and it's so funny because instead of dropping his head he drops it fast and to the side almost to get it over as fast as possible. Out of all the horses I have owned he's the one. You know what I'm talking about? Next thing is working on getting the bit in his mouth without unlatching the bit from the headstall. Time and patience.

This summer we got so busy with work. Husband found an employee FINALLY to cut his stress but doubled mine. So I put the word out I was looking for part time help. I found a woman 3 months ago but until you get past all the training etc you still fall behind. I am waiting until she's got it down and I can actually get out of the house. It would get so busy I would forget to eat and here I'd sit at 4 or 5 pm eating lunch. Some nights I'd be in the office until 7 PM and that was getting old and I was starting to get stressed and dove into a couple of months of deep depression. I guess that's when I started to remember who I use to be and wondered where I had gone. I feel the most like "me" when in the saddle. A peace falls over me. That's when I decided to write a memoir based on my life with Elisa from the day I met her at age 12 to about 20-21.....we shared a magical life, a blessed life during a time teens were in a turmoil in Los Angeles. I keep a small book with me and write down any memory that comes to me. We really touched lives in ways you would never expect. I guess that's the part of me I miss. For being a nobody now I sure am proud now that I look back and see all that we did for others. Hearts we touched through our innocent wandering spirits. Remember, coincidences are those moments God winks. I've gotten many winks. I think that's why my love of horses runs so deep. My love for Jex runs so deep. They live in the now and hold no judgement of you. And most of all the bond is almost spiritual to me. I'm not religious but I am spiritual.

I've actually taken Jex out alone 4 times...I know, not a lot but for me that's major. Many times family may not want to ride when I do so it was something I had/have to do. While people dream of riding on the beach I dream of riding out alone, just him and I. Right outside our back gate and into the hills. That's one thing I dream about. Someday. I'll die an old horse woman. That's I know for sure.

My poor husband was really starting to partner up with Dozer when he had a freak accident. He was gaining weight fast for no apparent reason. He was getting tired a lot and would actually have to pull over during work to nap. He'd come home and sit on the couch and doze off. He could never make it through a TV show and even after coffee and driving to work first thing in the morning he would start falling asleep. He went to the doctor and did the finger oxygen thing while he walked down the hall. The Medical assistant kept asking him if he wanted to sit down because his oxygen levels were dropping fast. Hannah first noticed it when we were in Texas and David streamed a live video and he was talking and sounded like he was running a marathon. Breathless. We knew something was wrong. He had been feeling bad for 6 months before he finally admitted he should see a doctor. They blamed it on smoking and pretty much said he had Emphysema, COPD blah blah. He had quit smoking years ago. All his symptoms pointed to Sleep Apnea and as a young child and teen he had quit breathing before in his sleep and had a history. Plus low oxygen was a symptom and when you have low oxygen it's very hard to lose weight. He snored like a freight train. I go to all his doctor appointments because I want to hear what's really said and ask questions. Men don't really do well at doctor appointments. Somehow things get translated from what the doc said to what men tell their wives. So as our doctor went on and on about how he needed to sleep with an oxygen tank and even carry a portable one I said NO! HE NEEDS A OVERNIGHT SLEEP TEST!!!! I wouldn't take no for an answer so the next day he went in STAT. The first hour he stopped breathing (don't remember the amount) but after that he stopped breathing about 75 times an hour. FINALLY! She,  the doctor knew what I knew and I think she was in a kind of pissy mood that day. He was sent to a specialist and went home with a CPAP machine. Now, a few months later he is back to normal. Now I bet your wondering what all this has to do with his freak accident? He felt too heavy now for Dozer so he thought he would try his old Cordura saddle to "lighten" his load. So he put the saddle on, tightened the cinch and he jumped on. He knew right away it was loose and he didn't feel secure. So he went to get off, the saddle slipped sideways and he caught his shirt on the horn which ripped every button off and his left foot was in the stirrup. Through it all Dozer stood quietly, not one step. David getting hung up by the shirt caused him to lose his balance and has he fell his foot twisted in the stirrup breaking his  metatarsal bone over his pinky toe. It hurt but figured he was just bruised. But the next day he willingly drove to urgent care. He got put in a fiber cast. That was September 13. So we seen the doctor last week and was so sure he was ready for a walking boot but the doctor looked at the Xray just taken and there was no change, not a good or bad thing he said. The break was still too young to see any change. He goes back in 3 more weeks. Basically we are waiting to see if he needs a pin put in or will it fuse together itself. It's barely displaced but it is shattered. Meanwhile, before all this happen he decided to go the route I did. I wrote his doctor a two page letter ( we see the same PCP) about him and getting into the Bariatric program and she sent a referral, he seen the doctor and he started his first series of education classes like I went through. So lots going on. So no riding for a while. It's a non-weight bearing injury so he's going stir crazy at home but has a knee scooter.

We actually had done our first parade ever before the break.. Dozer had done parades in the past but I had no idea how Jex would do. Good thing it was a small town celebrating "Hero's Day"  because he was freaked out at first and that was just us and our corral walking towards the staging area (it was the flags in front of us). Hannah was so freaked out about Jex she actually got off Reggie and was going to walk back because as she put it, " I don't want to watch my Mom die" I think sometimes they still see the old me but she doesn't exist. I know my horse and I rode the bumps out because I know my horse and I know what I can handle. But as she seen us walking by she jumped back on and continued with us. I got Jex and he's got me. It's a trust and just knowing him.


So here are some more recent pictures.

Jex and I at the parade


Jex and I are directly behind the American flag


David on Dozer when I hosted a ride from our home



Clowning around


David and I


more Jex and I....Love this horse





Playing games while out and about


and one of my faves....Jex in Amante's old side pull

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Melissa, Southern California.....hitting the trails with Jex my Tennessee Walking Horse...soon.

melissah

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Re: Winds of Change.................
« Reply #143 on: January 08, 2018, 01:55:03 pm »

Jan 8th 2018....A new beginning or.....?

I haven't wrote in my journal for some time but I felt a need to write today. Maybe because I have always come here when tragedy struck. And I know the words will still be here five years from now. GHS doesn't leave, Kysa has taken good care of us. When we're okay, happy, sad or lost a loved one, lost a beloved pet, horse, cow or a parent Kysa and GHS are always here. Like they are HERE! RIGHT NOW....beside us. Like God is here, tender and whispering. Not comparing GHS & God, oh no. Just a reminder that We have people that have our backs.

I walked into my office at a bit past 6:30 AM and seen I had missed several calls from both my brothers all within the same 20 minute period. Well, we all know what comes with those early morning phone calls, nothing ever good is what I say.

My Dad has been suffering with Cancer the last year or so. We were called last March to visit because my step-mother thought his time was growing closer. They were wrong. That man is a fighter. It's the new year and he's still holding on, nothing but a shell now but knows his God is ready for him. That offers a peace for me because my father was not a Godly man. He wasn't even the best father but he is my Dad. And that is enough.

I am not looking forward to listening to the messages so I only listen to one. My youngest brother says so call him. First thing is we know it was my Dad. But as we're standing pondering it, Hannah says,"It could be Grandma." I had got the news a couple of weeks ago Mom had failing kidneys and would start dialysis. I looked at her. After accepting the realization of my father dying, I now was thrown a loop with mom. Had I guessed the wrong parent? Yes, the fact is I did. I got the parent wrong. My brother said, "'Lil Mama is gone." That's what he called her.

Yes, every emotion flies out of you. Never thought what losing a parent might feel like. Thought about it. Now it's just so surreal.

I stood at the entry way of our home and looked at the framed art on my wall. I had made Mom a frame with dried flowers when I was fifteen or sixteen. I had painted a wood 8 x 14 frame a light rose color, put the dried flowers and vines in-between the glass and wrote the song lyrics to Fleetwood Mac's Songbird on a 8x14 sheet of paper and given to my mom as a gift. No reason. Just because.  I had ended up with it. It was a piece of me and my past i would not let go of.

It wasn't the perfect mother/daughter relationship but it was ours. One Mother. One daughter. Her other daughter, my older sister had already had made the trip to heaven and I am happy knowing they will be reunited. She never got over my sisters death. I never got over the loss of an older sister. I try hard to be my daughters rock and she mine. I know where my relationship with mom cracked and now, I know I will not let ours crack.

I wanted to share this today. A new year. A new day.

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Melissa, Southern California.....hitting the trails with Jex my Tennessee Walking Horse...soon.
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